My Stomach. It hurts.

Comps start next week (and continue through the second week in September, heaven help me).

The knot in my stomach won’t go away and my head feels like it’s going to explode.  I’ve already run once today and am about to head out for an hour-long exercise class followed by a second run.  It’s the only way I feel like I can keep the stress from driving me out of my mind.

Someone tell me that this is normal, that I’m more prepared than I think, and that I am not going to fail and be laughed out of the room.

Please?

Oh That’s Even Better

Now there are 48 people enrolled in my limited-to-30-students class.

That’s just awesome.

A Little Advice

Summer is rapidly coming to an end.  Disturbingly quickly, actually.  The end of summer means starting back to classes and teaching, and also mean brand new grad students ready to jump right in.  Right?  Right.

Some time ago, I stumbled across a call for submissions for the zomg grad skool carnival!!! offering advice to the newbies.  I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit, and a conversation I had this evening brought several of my thoughts to the forefront again.  So, in list form:

1. Don’t forget who you are.  Sounds cheesy, right?  Oh, but I mean it.  There are reasons you decided to go to grad school and things you like to do with your time.   One thing I’ve learned in the past 2 years at PhDland has been to keep doing those things, and to keep in mind the reasons I’m here.  I wish I’d known that a few years ago in MAville, it would have made for a more pleasant experience.

2. Take care of yourself – mentally and physically.  Part of that comes from continuing to do the things you love, whether it’s reading, knitting, watching 80s horror movies, whatever.  I’ve learned that taking a break in the middle of a long day of studying helps me accomplish more, not less.  Sometimes we’re much more productive when our minds are clear and not overwhelmed by our to-do lists.  And really.  One can only read about enzyme kinetics for so many hours in a day, I promise.  For me, the mental health break is often also the physical health break – a little time for exercise.  I’m not suggesting that you train for an ultramarathon or spend hours a day in the gym, do whatever it is you enjoy.  If you’re overwhelmed and can’t even think about taking more than a 10 minute break that’s fine, but take it.  Trust me.

Just as importantly, sleep!  A rested mind is a clear, alert mind, and a rested immune system is a functioning immune system.  And at the risk of channeling mom, “Eat your vegetables, dear”

3. Get out of your department.  Make friends you won’t be staring at every hour of every day.  If your program is anything like mine, you’ll spend a lot of time with your cohort.  You’ll all be in the same classes, attend the same seminars, have weekly lab meetings (often several), and work side-by-side on a daily basis.  You’ll probably even like some of them!  But get involved in some other activities and make some other friends – if nothing else, if gives you someone outside the department to complain to when your office mate drives you up the wall.

4. Go outside!  Even if it’s just for 10 minutes.  Hot, cold, effing frigid, windy, raining, snowing….get out anyway.  Breathe some fresh air, it’s good for you.

5.  Make lists on paper.  It’s so much more satisfying to cross things off with vigor.  Seriously.

6. Always carry your calendar.  Always.

7. Find out where you work the best.  It might not be the same place it was during undergrad.  Back then I worked really well in the union…no idea where that ever came from.  Libraries don’t work at all for me.  Coffee shops do…but only specific ones.  Explore, and (unless required by your department), don’t feel like you have to be in your office/cube all the time.

8.  Help other grad students out – but don’t be afraid to say no.  Helping other students collect data is a great thing.  You can learn new techniques, see how they interact with subjects (if you do human subjects research), learn how people work and what your style is, and you might even get some publications out of the deal. Not to mention all the good grad student karma (not to be underestimated!).  But remember that everyone has a limit and you shouldn’t feel obligated to say yes to every single request.  A burned out grad student isn’t much help to anyone.

9. If you have a significant other/spouse/family, carve out time for them, no matter how busy you may be.  This has been absolutely vital to my relationship.  Some weeks are crazy and all I can manage is a 10 minute chat in bed with The Boy before we both crash.  Lately, I’ve been able to work and study until he gets home from work (usually around 10:30 PM) and then I can shut the computer, put away my books, and spend time with him.  We both know the crazy days will be back so we’re enjoying this slightly-slower time while we have it – you should too.  Communication has been key and we’ve learned that if either of us feels overwhelmed, we need to talk about it before everything comes to a head.  It’s taken two years, but we’re getting into a groove.

10.  Remember who you are and why you’re doing this.  And yes, I realize I repeated this one.  It’s so, so important and covers so many of my other points. Grad school is hard and there will be times you don’t want to do it any more.  Take a short break, do something you love, and remind yourself why you’re here.  Then get back to work.

The Talk

Dear Running,

Listen, we need to have a talk.  Our relationship feels strained.  We’ve spent a lot of quality time together over the years, we’ve grown together.  You’ve helped me through some really rough times and I’m grateful.  But lately, I feel like we’re not communicating.  You haunt me when we’re not together.  I can’t stop thinking about you and a wave of jealousy washes over me when I see you out with someone else.

And yet, when I lace up those shoes and we head out together…well, Running…it just isn’t fun.  Is it Heat?  Humidity?  Have they wedged their way between us?

Stay with me, Running.  We’ve got some big plans these next few months…if only we could get rid of those two H’s.

Smooch.

Rejected

Sigh.  It had to happen eventually, right?  I finally managed to submit the manuscript I was having trouble pulling the trigger on.  That was 2 days ago I think, maybe 3.  In record time, the decision came today – decent paper, worthwhile research question, intriguing results…wrong for this journal.

Well Poo.  I mean I understand and though my heart was beating out of my chest as I scrolled down to read the reviewer comments, they weren’t the scathing remarks I was afraid they would be.  Just simply that we chose the wrong journal.

A task that I find to be quite difficult, actually.  How does one avoid publishing in the same journal over and over again?  A question for my advisor, I know.

Anyway, I’ll reformat and submit to another journal.  Poo, indeed.

Monday Monday

Even in the summer when there aren’t any classes and I really don’t have a schedule, I dislike Mondays.  Today is even more fun because I have an ultrasound stuck in the middle of it.  Nothing like having someone push on your bladder after making you guzzle 32 oz of water.  At least there’s no anxiety wrapped up in this appointment.

Now that we’re getting so close to the end of the summer I find myself feeling a bit more productive.  Nothing like crunch time to get you moving.  This morning I finally submitted the manuscript that’s been ready to go for longer than I care to admit – why is it so hard to press submit?  At least it’s done now.

Other things I’d like to get done today include finishing reading the chapter I started this morning, some writing on my lit review, and some reading for a section of my comps.  Non-academically, I’d love to clean the bathroom and do some laundry.  Yes, I said love.  That’s how badly those two chores need to be done.

I also have some peppers out in the garden that are ready to be picked, and some weeds that need to be pulled.  The glads in the front yard need some water but I’m worried the shade from the giant sycamore tree might have done them in.  We’ll see.  There’s also a random pumpkin vine growing out front (thanks to the squirrel that pushed the pumpkin off the porch last October) but it isn’t looking so healthy, either.

Then of course in the evening it’s time for an exercise class and a run on some local trails.

There aren’t enough hours in the day.

On the casual reading front, I finished Sookie #7 last night.  Thinking I might not allow myself to go get #8 until after comps…

Solution

Pa-tooey

You know what we really need?  A longitudinal study in which lots of people spit in tubes.  Over and over and over, year after year.  If I’ve learned anything while lit-reviewing, that’s it.

Sadly (or not, considering the years it would take), that study will not be my dissertation.

Addicted? Something to Think About

Does owning an inordinate number of running shoes (or tennis shoes) indicate an addiction?

Several things have come up recently that have made me think about my attitude towards exercise.  I’ve posted in the past about the different fitness phases I’ve been through in recent years and I generally consider myself to have a fairly healthy attitude about exercise.  I’ve found myself questioning that some lately.

A google search of “exercise addiction” brings up plenty of articles.  Finding an official definition is a bit more difficult.  If addiction is defined (according to answers.com) as “dependence on a behavior or sub-stance that a person is powerless to stop,” then exercise could just define the behavior in question.  So someone who is addicted to exercise would simply be unable to stop exercising.  I’m not sure it’s so black and white.  Perhaps there’s a better term than “addiction” – something that allows for varying degrees of dependence.

Semantics?  Maybe.  I don’t really think so, though.  As I said, I’ve reflected quite a bit recently on the role of exercise in my own life.  At face value I’d say no, there’s no way I’m addicted to exercise. I do try to do something every day, but some days that “something” is just a nice leisurely walk around the neighborhood with my dog.  At least 4-5 times a week that’s a run, but sometimes that run is only 20 minutes long.  Every now and then I hit a yoga class, and I’m trying to become more consistent with weight lifting, aiming for 2 sessions per week.  Until last week I was attending a Monday evening aerobics-type class, and I do a long run every Saturday morning with a group of local women.  That’s not the picture of an addict, right?  An addict would be out there every day, sweating up a storm for hours and never taking a break, never deciding that an upset stomach was a good reason for a rest day.

What if I told you that those rest days leave me feeling wracked with guilt?  I love running and I (mostly) enjoy working out in other ways.  Because I enjoy r

acing and challenging myself, it’s important that I train regularly in order to gain fitness, or at least maintain a reasonable amount, so I can perform at my best and enjoy myself while doing it.  When I have to take a couple days off because I’m not feeling well, I feel guilty but at the same time I know that a few days off won’t hurt me.  I do have to admit, however, that the thought of having to take several weeks off for an injury fills me with anxiety over losing all that fitness I’ve gained.

And yet, I took two months off during chemo because my body told me I couldn’t do it.  I didn’t spend those two months feeling horrible about myself, I knew I was doing what my body needed.  For that reason, a little guilty feeling doesn’t worry me.

In searching for other articles about this issue, I came across an article on Active.com.  Generally I don’t read many things on that site, but I think this is a good article.  To me, the key difference between dedication and addiction lies in this sentence:

The addict answers poor performance with running more and resting less. A healthy athlete looks at the big picture and adjusts training programs allowing for rest and recovery among all the training variables.

An addicted runner (or exerciser) wouldn’t be able to recognized the warning signs – the incessant hip pain or repeated inability to hit workout targets – and take the time off necessary to recover and heal.  If they did take the time off, they’d have to replace their running or exercise of choice with something else and they’d be equally obsessive over that activity.  They’d be anxious, irritable, unable to sleep, depressed.  They’d seem like an addict going through withdrawal, because that’s exactly what they would be.  Unfortunately, I think the line between dedication and addiction is a very thin, very blurry one and I wonder if someone could catch themselves before crossing it.

I think being a cancer survivor, especially a survivor of a cancer known to be effected by diet and exercise, makes this relationship even more difficult for me.  Exercise now holds something for me that it didn’t before.  Even though it apparently didn’t protect me from getting cancer in the first place, maybe it will protect me from a recurrence.  Surely it helps keep my body strong and that helped me tolerate surgery and chemo without too much backsliding, putting me at risk for other health problems.  Some of the drugs I was on are known to be toxic to the heart and exercise may have helped keep my heart strong.  That’s not even to mention the mental health benefits.  At the same time, though, exercise is a way for me to “show” cancer and sometimes I wonder if it’s a bit of a mental crutch.  I worry that if I can’t exercise, I’ll feel that I also can’t fight cancer.  That’s not a good way to be.

Sharon Stoliaroff, PhD, the author of the active.com piece, lists the following as warning signs of exercise addiction:

I have missed important social obligations and family events in order to exercise.
I have given up other interests, including time with friends, in order to make more time to work out.
Missing a workout makes me irritable and depressed.
I only feel content when I am exercising or within the hour after exercising.
I like exercise better than sex, good food, or a movie — in fact there’s almost nothing I’d rather do.
I work out even if I’m sick, injured, or exhausted. I’ll feel better when I get moving anyway.
In addition to my regular schedule, I’ll exercise more if I find extra time.
Family and friends have told me I’m too involved in exercise.
I have a history (or a family history) of anxiety or depression.

According to Dr.  Stoliaroff, checking off three or more items might indicate a loss of perspective.  Those seem like good criteria to me, and I think it’s important for us all to periodically evaluate where we are in our relationship with exercise and fitness in general.  Right now I think I’m good…but I’m glad I’ve stopped and taken the time to think about this.

Perspective is always a good thing.

How Not to Get Anything Done

1. Get yourself an old-lady disease that requires you to wake up 2x/night to take anti-virals.  This will ensure that you never actually get a good night’s sleep.

2. When the alarm goes off at your actual planned waking time, tell yourself “just 10 more minutes” for the next hour

3. Stumble out of bed and waddle to the kitchen, cursing your running and tight achilles all the way, and realize you’re out of coffee.

4. Beg The Boy to drive you to the grocery store to get coffee because you just can’t face the day without it…let alone driving yourself to said store to get it.  And you could walk to the convenience store up the street for it, but then you’d wind up buying a donut too and no one wants that.

5. Wander around the grocery store wanting to buy something for breakfast and not knowing which aisle the coffee is in (WHY was it not signed??)

6. Go back home, realize the tomato plants look very wilty and water them, but not before going inside to start the coffee.

7. Catch a glimpse of the washing machine on your way outside, remember you need to do laundry.  Take your time with this one.

8. Pour coffee, pick up muffin you chose for breakfast (is this somehow better than the donut?) and sit down at your desk.

9. Email, facebook, running forum, etc.

10.  Start lit reviewing.  Get nowhere.  Repeat x like 4 hours.

11. Drive across town to meet running friend, run 4 miles.  See other running friend in parking lot, chat for a while.

12. Drive all the way to the other side of town, lift weights.  Realize you misjudged how long all this would take by, oh, an hour, and sit in the athletic club watching TV while waiting for yoga class.

13. Go to an hour long yoga class

14. Drive back home, arrive famished.  Take the dog out, return, stare at the refrigerator, decide on dinner, call mom to chat while preparing dinner.  Finish preparing, put dinner on a plate, head to home office.

15. Eat dinner while checking email, facebook, and running forum.

16. Write blog post.

17.  Finally resolve to actually get something done….if only for the reward of watching one hour of trashy TV before bed.

Then get up and do it all again tomorrow….

A Simple Question, Really…

How are there 41 students enrolled in my class when the limit is 30?

Sigh.  Does August really start this week?